Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I want a musical about memes.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
