Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
