well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Randomize
