my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
