Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
