well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
