the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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