i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
