shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
