so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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