my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
In other news, I just burned my penis
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
