If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
