Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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