just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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