I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I need to calm my uterus...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I want a musical about memes.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
