I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
