so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
