Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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