I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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