On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
