Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
