I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize