girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
