I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
