I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Will exercising make me less horny?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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