life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize