Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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