I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
