Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
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