Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
