come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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