just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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