Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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