it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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