and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
