can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
