Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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