I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
