im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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