Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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