I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
