If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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