your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
