my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
