I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
