I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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