I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
