And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
