So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
