we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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