grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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