exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
