i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
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