I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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