Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
