yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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