Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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