I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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