I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
