I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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