there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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